Mothering, the pottery wheel, and the inner knowing

Ten years ago (living as an expat in Cairo), I was one week overdue with my first child. My doctor began pressuring me to book a time in the hospital to be induced. I held off. The next time I visited her in her office (only two days later), she told me she would not see me in her office again and told me to schedule a time for a c-section because she said, "we (even though her idea of safety was completely different from mine) wanted the baby to be safe. " I went and got a second opinion from another doctor.

Dr Sherif kindly met me and my husband in his dimly lit office in a suburb outside of Cairo. He listened. He shook his head. His gentle nature told me I was safe and so was my baby. He held up his hand for emphasis and said, "there are 5 ways we can tell if a baby is in harm's way." The first four ways based on medical examinations measure numbers, size and beat. He surprised me with the fifth test.

Very calmly, he turned to me in his perfect although heavily accented English and said, "the fifth test is very important to consider." He paused and yet without a trace of Mediterranean drama said, "What is your maternal instinct? Do you feel your baby is safe?" I was so surprised that a doctor was actually considering how I felt about the state of my baby. He wanted me to tell him about the safety of my womb before even examining me. I was surprised. I was shocked. And yet, I was finally liberated and empowered!

This was my turning point--the day in my life when I was given permission to consider my instinct. It changed me forever. I sometimes mark that day as the day my soul was really born. I still feel quite young in learning how to hear my inner knowing, to recognize its voice, to practice its sounds aloud. I am growing into its infinite wisdom.

This inner knowing is based on feeling and experience. Expressing it and rearranging my life so that it is heard is based on trust.

Flash forward to just about 10 weeks ago. I am sitting at the potter's wheel, and I am struggling to center the clay. My instructor comes over to me, tells me to close my eyes, and feel my way to the center. I smile since I am reminded of Dr Sherif. "It is like learning to ride a bike," my pottery instructor says, "It is based on feeling and practice and instinct." Closing my eyes, I can tap into the instinct, that inner knowing, even faster. I can feel when the clay (and perhaps even myself ) is centered.

You can't really tell someone how to center clay on a the wheel just like you can't really tell someone how to ride a bike. And you can't really tell someone how to tap into instinct, but you can practice, over and over and over again. Sometimes you get it right. Sometimes there are rather large bumps along the way. Sometimes you take a long detour and find yourself back at the beginning ready to start again. But the more you experience it, the more you feel your instinct rising up in you, the more you can listen to that voice, the sooner you step into your place of power.

It is such a freeing feeling, really. To know I carry within me this inner knowing that centers my whole being on feeling and experience is quite remarkable. I only wish all the schooling, all the book reading, all the advanced degrees, all the acquiring of knowledge would have spoken about the power of instinct and the inner knowing.

I have had to step outside the civilized systems to find the inner world. Yet, thanks to the Dr Sherifs and potters and mothers out there who know it is really all about feeling, I don't have to step too far.