...here, there, and everywhere

I have these catch phrases I use with myself--holding it all together, delight in the process, seeking balance, breathe. I never had much use for these phrases until I discovered that I was on the path of parenting. Before children, I could hold it together, I could delight in the process, I held a balance in my life, and I had time to pause to breathe, to really breathe deeply and mindfully. At least it felt like I could.

That was then and this is now.

As I try not to forget myself on this parenting journey, I find myself focusing more on how I am in this world rather than finding value in all that I do (and actively letting go of what I don't do). I am learning to focus on not forgetting myself in ways that surprise me. Here is what I remind myself daily in order to hold it all together. I suppose it is a to-do list of sorts, but it does not have the traditional categories. It is my list of what I want to embrace in my life and I am sure I am only at the beginning of this journey. I have a lot to learn.

Practice deep empathy for myself. When I can connect with myself, give voice to what is really alive in me, then I can be so much more present to the world around me, including the needs of my children that sometimes come as screams, bargaining, and extremely high-pitched voices that hurt my ears and my brainwaves. Pause when I feel the rise in me, breathe, connect. Let go. Enter the flow. Be gentle with myself.

Practice creativity. This is one of my deepest spiritual needs. Instead of feeling sad because I don't have the time, money, and resources, and because I spend my days with my three children, I have taken on the practice of seeking to discover the small acts of creativity I participate in each day. I cook, I bake, I knit sometimes, I write beautifully handwritten shopping lists for my daughter to read, I learn to go with the flow. Creativity is about letting go and going with the flow, allowing images and ideas to surface. Then creation happens.

I am learning that when I walk with my children, if I am more aware of the beauty around me, then I feel more connected to the creative spirit. Tapping into this spirit, even if I am not producing anything, fills me up. If I can train my mind into thinking that all of life is a practice in creativity, then I can let go of product thinking and embrace the process of creation.

Name what I do. I find great healing and power in naming what I do so as to remind myself that what I do is valuable. I still fall into the trap of thinking that because what I do does not generate an income, it is not as worthy as other work. I remind myself that I parent, I home educate, I foster creativity, I imagine, I dream, I potter about, I write, I meditate here, there, and everywhere. Naming is powerful because it encourages me to rethink how I view life. Eventually the names will stick and my birth name will grow infinitely.

I walk. I am learning that walking meets so many needs in me--for peace, for connection with the creative world and seasons and cycles, for wander and wonder time with my children, for prayer and meditation, for growth. Walking fills me up. The art of walking allows me to maintain a balance in my life--a physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional balance. I like to think of it like one of those old scales I would see in the markets of Cairo. Add a bit, too much, remove it, add some more, take away, finding the balance. It is the act of seeking the balance that offers the wisdom here. Seeking does not mean you necessarily get it perfectly right. Certainly in Cairo they were not interested in getting it perfectly right. It is difficult to do. Seeking is not interested in the product but is process-0riented and thus process-delighting.

Life as a prayer. For me this is about entering the mindful flow. Soon after I had my children, I grieved the loss of my previous life of prayer and meditation. I had to train my mind and convince myself that I can do this here, there and everywhere and it is still just as useful. Once I realized that I could describe, define, and understand my own pattern of prayer life, once I could let go of someone else's pattern of prayer, then I could embrace the new pattern emerging in me. I still long for lengthy periods of silence, weekend retreats, but I am also learning that the canvas of prayer and meditative practice is vast and slowly coming into color for me. Meditating on walks, walking as a prayer, giggling, crying, suffering, and embracing joy are all part of life as prayer I seek to understand and embrace more fully.


This post is in response to Stacy at Mama-Om and her post on "Not Forgetting Ourselves."