Children challenge me. And when I feel most challenged, I turn to books. I read books on how to deal with intense children, how to be a more compassionate parent/person, or how I might help my son navigate the coming pre-teen years. And while these books are helpful, and while I diligently write small notes to myself on post-it notes so that I don't forget a piece of wisdom gleaned--I am a bit too earnest, I admit--they seem to only make me feel like I have to be aware of so much more than my brain can retain. I simply can not remember.
The cycle is always the same. I notice a problem or a challenge in parenting or with my child. I analyze it, I begin to look for books that might guide me in a direction that seems right for me, and I read and I take notes. I make lists of strategies that I actually never look at again. I want to know how to fix it. I want to get it right. I want to be more than a good enough parent.
But recently, I stopped reading books, stopped referring to someone else's ideas/instincts (albeit useful strategies and helpful guidance)and started following my own intuition. Taking the leap to trust my own instinct, especially when it comes to parenting, seems like I am leaping across a deep valley without safety equipment. As a result, I could remember how it feels to trust my intuition. Just remember the deep valley below me.
And my intuition gave way to a beautiful, hopeful list. A list I wrote. My own wisdom. My own very short book (if a short list could such a book).
A hopeful list:
I hope my children are loving, compassionate people.
I hope they learn respect for themselves and for others.
I hope they know love.
I hope they know acceptance.
I hope they practice healthy boundaries.
I hope they live their passions daily.
I hope they practice creativity.
I hope for self-knowledge and awareness.
I hope they believe in something.
I hope they always have one friend.
With this list, I have what I need to be a good enough parent. If I could offer at least one of these hopes to my children, it would be enough. This I want to remember.
And while I think I write this for my children, I really write it for myself. These are my hopes for my life. Oh, yes, I will remember this.
I love the idea behind this from your prior post, of how our children help raise us. Mine certainly are raising me in so many ways, that's for sure, and I'm still early on in this journey!
ReplyDeleteLike you, I have turned to books a lot, but recently put them down. I feel like I do get useful 'tools' sometimes, but then just have to go with my gut. Or rather, my heart. I do think we can vastly overthink things in this day and age, and get too caught up in the little mistakes we inevitably make...
So I love your hopes! My list would be very similar...
I am pleased to see this series of reflections as the very phrase "how our children raise us" is so evocative and I suspect resonates with many parents when we are honest enough not to have to get it all right. I can still remember my "conversion" to motherhood on a spring day outdoors watching ants crawl along with my first born daughter. It was then that I began to realize that all the other stuff wasn't so important, but paying attention and being present is. Even now as her more independent self emerges, I cherish those moments of wonder and discovery and will never regret slowing down. Of course, there are plenty of ants since then that I have more likely just stepped on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing!
I love this. I've copied your list to live with for a bit... I think I am hopeful that it will help me to continue to shape a short list for myself and what we want for our children. I can get so caught up in the details of what we want for our boys that I forget the big ideas that we long for them to grasp and live.
ReplyDeleteYour intentions, dear Nicki are priceless. I am so glad you put the books down and searched your own heart for those intentions. Nothing is wrong with books, but they can never speak as loudly as your own love. That list is a Love List, and I am now inspired to make one of my own:)
ReplyDeleteThe best advice someone gave me when I asked about what books they could recommend re children and parenting etc was - don't read books! And it really was the best advice, so I really loved your post as it confirms that too I think. Following one's own intuition and trust.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this example of taking the time to listen to one's own heart. Love list....
ReplyDeleteI love it. :)
Just wanting to thank you all for reading and commenting. Ruth, it is nice to meet you. And yes, I have recently discovered the power of intuition...at least I am now finally aware and open and listening. I would love to hear what some of you might have on your own lists. Peace, Nicki
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